(1) Hesitation

This is a story about the inner struggle with the fear of speaking out – about the moment when every second stretches on, and simple words seem impossible to say, despite attempts to break through the fear.

Inhale and exhale - I release the air with a hiss. I squeeze my eyes shut, pretending there’s no one standing in front of me, and repeat in my mind like a mantra that it’s nothing. Just a few sentences. Just a few simple sentences that I’ve been trying to say for minutes now. Minutes that stretch into eternity.

Time seems to stand still as I frantically try to piece together words in my head, hoping that this time I’ll succeed. Without hesitation. Without stopping.

With the first sound, I open my eyes. The firm, unfamiliar tone of my own words stuns me, resonating and bouncing off the pupils locked onto mine. And then - again - hesitation takes hold of me.